I'm a pretty tolerant person most of the time. I can handle weird habits and strange quirks; I can handle obsession, to a degree. What I can't handle is obsession boredering on being psychotic.
Enter the obsessive Twilight fan: a breed of human typically recognised by the shrill shrieking noise they make when confronted with images of Robert Partterson or Taylor Lautner. Typically devided into two "teams" according to their preference in unnaturally good-looking monster, Twilight fans have been known to begin huge verbal wars over Twitter and other forms of social media and these disputes are only resolved when Justin Bieber and Jonas Brother fans take over.
Now, unfortunately, the example I am about to show you (which is located on this freaky website), is only from one side of the crazy scale, but I'm sure that you will understand where I am going with this. When you get too bored or too scared to read anymore, I do carry on afterwards, so don't just leave the page :)
Here we go:
How to spot if you have 'Obsessive Cullen Disorder' (OCD):
1.You have read each of these books countless times all the way through
2. Even though you love Edward you still read all the way through New Moon over and over again because you can’t stand to miss anything
3. You cry when Edward left Bella in New Moon
4. You wanted to punch Jacob out when he kissed Bella
5. You wanted to punch Jacob out again the second time Jacob kissed Bella
6. You have the pictures of all of your books on your iPod
7. Also you have a picture of a shiny silver Volvo on your iPod
8. You hyperventilate every time you look at the picture of the Volvo
9. You screamed every time there was a flashback featuring Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix. [true story.
10. You made your friends watch the fourth Harry Potter at a sleep over and gasped/squeeled/screamed every time Cedric Diggory came onto screen.
11. When your friends went on the computer and you stayed and watched the fourth Harry Potter movie that they were bored with
12. Edward Cullen is your obsession
13. You ran around screaming when you discovered they were coming out with a Twilight movie
14. You got another one of your friends obsessed with Twilight
15. Friends of yours that have never even read the book know what kind of car every one of the Cullens drives
16. You bought a new copy of Twilight because your old one got all wrinkled.
17. You plan on buying a new copy of New Moon because the cover is crinkled
18. You plan on buying the special edition of Eclipse so you can get the poster. (Got it!)
19. You must know where all of the copies are of all of your Twilight series books at all times
20. You write E.C. on your frhand in your freakishly permanent pen and hope it doesn’t come off.
21. Your friend who has never read Twilight draws Edward on your hand and other Twilight related things and you hope it does not come off.
22. Your icons on all of your screen names relate to Twilight somehow
23. You have something related to the books as your desktop background
24. You have a screen name dedicated to ‘the books’
25. You immediately knew what I meant by ‘the books’
26. You refer to them as ‘the books’ [air quotes included.
27. You carry around all three hard cover books at all times.
28. Your goal is to have three copies of the books: one to lend, one to read over and over again, and one signed by Stephenie Meyer that you even aren’t allowed to touch.
29. You say ‘Oh my Edward’ instead of god/goodness/gosh (or any other of the characters take your pick)
30. You say shut the Edward up
31. You say ‘Oh My Flipping Edward’
32. You say ‘What the Edward’ instead of wtf
33. You get all giddy whenever you or someone else mentions something that has to do with them [yeah I said giddy; and when you, yourself mention something.
34. You have a stuffed pet named after one (or more) of the characters [I have an idog named Alice and a stuffed dog named Jasper.
35. Inanimate objects related to Twilight in some way make you think of it every time you see it [ex: apple.
36. You almost shouted ‘I wonder what Edward has seen’ when your substitute social studies teacher said ‘that the things people over a 100 year old have seen were magnificent.’ [yeah, that was the only time I was listening throughout her whole boring lecture.
37. You know that Edward Cullen is exactly 107 years old.
38. You know Edward Cullen’s birthday is June 20th 1901 even thought the exact date was never mentioned in the book (this was on wikipedia, though I don't know how they know this...)
39. You have two play lists on your iPod that remind you A LOT of the books
40. You have developed a problem where every song you hear reminds you of the books somehow
41. You plan to get all of the songs from Stephenie’s play list onto your iPod
42. You have a count down to the movie going right now
43. You are known as ‘the girl with the book’
44. You bring a copy of at least one of the books everywhere you go [I carry all three (:.
45. You deleted some songs off of iTunes because you could not find any way to relate them to the Twilight books.
46. Your English teacher is reading the books
47. You English teacher is enjoying the books
48. Your mom punishes you by taking away your books
49. This punishment she gives you [ is actually a horrible one and you go crazy.
50. You check several Twilight websites a day.
51. You spend most of your time [if not all on the computer reading Twilight fan fictions or writing them.
52. You immediately went to find Edwardian script on the computer when you found out that there was such a font(YES!)
53. You used this font even though it was hardly legible
54. When ever someone within earshot says the name Edward ‘your tummy goes funny’
55. You used to never think twice about Robert Pattinson, but when you discovered he was playing Edward in the movie, he jumped up into your top 4 ‘favorite guys’
56. You freak out at anyone who says anything about vampires having fangs.
57. After you are done freaking out, you go into a rant about what real vampires are like.
58. You used to hate your freakishly pale skin, but now you love it because it is like the Cullen’s skin.
59. You brush your teeth a lot better now to make them whiter (like a vampire’s)
60. Because of Jacob, all of your views on werewolves have been ruined and you now despise them
61. You have one of the books open in front of you at this very moment
62. You spend your study hall in school reading instead of doing that math homework that’s due next period.
63. You have a Twilight themed birthday party where everyone has to dress up as one of the characters
64. You are jealous of people who have a signed copy of any one of the books
65. You know everything there is to know about every single Cullen [including bios
66. You saw something that said ‘Edward’ on it during a test and started giggling and your friend thought you were crazy because she could not see the can
67. You used to hate being cold but now you love it because it reminds you of vampires.
68. You over exaggerate shivers now because you can imagine Edward sitting next to you then.
69. Your mom has decided it is funny that every time you see the word Edward you squeal or gasp
70. Your mom thinks it is so funny she randomly says Edward while walking through just to hear you gasp.
71. You get extremely annoyed with yourself because you accidentally keep saying “sure, sure” by accident
72. You quote the book word for word in everyday conversation
73. Whenever anyone says something, you have to find a way to relate it to vampires or you can not respond
74. You have complete conversations that only revolve around Twilight on AIM
75. You then print these conversations out (okay, I did this once!)
76. You must stay on the dark side because vampires are on the dark side (don’t ask)
77. You rented numerous movies staring Kristen Stewart just so that you could imagine her as Bella
78. Most of the documents on your computer are fan fiction chapters and the others are just mandatory school work
79. You dream of the Cullens coming to your school
80. Your new favorite color is topaz
81. Every time you see a couple, you think Edward and Bella are better (idea from Night Owl 303)
82. You go on the Wikipedia pages for all of the Twilight characters and add stuff about how hot Edward is and all of the characters
83. You can relate to pretty much everything on this list
84. You are planning to suggest things to add to this list
85. You openly wish you had a vampire boyfriend meaning most people know it
86. You beg your grandma to let you rename her dog Edward (mine said no :( )
87. You growled at your brothers friend because he gave you an evil stare because you were laughing out loud at something from the books
So, now that I have you all sufficiently worried for the future of our human race, I have also come up with a solution.
It's so simple, it's almost brilliant.
TIME TRAVEL
Ok, of course we still have to invent a machine that is capable of such a thing, but imagine with me, if you will, the possibilities of such an option.
All you would need to do is go back in time, kill Stephenie Meyer's harddrive, burn the first manuscript and come back to a time where teenage girls aren't so creepy anymore.
I appeal to all the scientists out there:
For the benefit of all mankind, would you please, please, PLEASE, get to work on time-travel?
Your reward will be a future without psycho vampire (if you can even call them that) obessers.
I believe that the compelling evidence above should move you to immediate action.
A/N: Also, I edited it because 473 is too much crazy for this page to handle.
