If real life was like the movies

We all know that it isn't. A day in your life would prove it. However, don't we all wish that life would work out the way it does for the hero or heroine of a movie? Don't we all secretly wish life would be as easy? Well, that got me thinking about what it would be like if life imitated art and not the other way around.

1. Instead of stomping off after a shouting match, you would stare aimlessly into the distance

I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but after every argument in a movie, one of the people storm off and the other looks away and quite literally stares into the distance for as long as the editor allows the shot to continue. This is arguably one of the most surreal things in the movies. I've never had an argument where I've thought "Hmm, let me think about what just happened" right after the altercation. It's just weird.

2. You would never need to lock your car

Unless it is a direct part of the plot, cars in the movies never get stolen. This is even with the owners leaving the doors unlocked, windows open and car radios in their cradles. This combination in South Africa would guarantee the illegal removal of your car.

3. Trivial things like the laws of physics would not apply to you

If you were the hero of your story, you would be able to dodge almost anything, escape so narrowly that you should actually be dead and launch yourself off of any height and still reach your destination without so much as a  scratch. For more details see '2012'.

4. Getting onto computers would be a much noisier, less purposeful affair.

Instead of pressing a few keys and clicking a couple of times, you would need to bang aimlessly on the keys, all the while staring at the screen. To everyone else, this would look ridiculous but within seconds you would be able to access anything on the computer.

5. Your worst enemy would always have an easy password.

And they'd leave it lying around.

6. You would wake up in the morning with perfect hair and make-up.

Have you ever seen bed-head in a rom-com? Yeah, me neither.

7. If you're a cop, you will get fired at some point

It will be at the critical point of a case, you will mope, someone will visit you, you'll pursue the case anyway, you'll catch the bad-guy and somehow you'll get your job back. 

8. In a high-speed chase, the traffic magically parts for you

Cars, vans, busses, trucks, nothing is exempt. When you're the hero and you're chasing the villain, you are the boss of the road.

9. Your best friend never dies

He should - he inhaled a truckload of smoke, but somehow after the heart stops for good, the heart starts again. It's a miracle! Everyone's happy! Boom - credits!

10. If you are a nerdy male, prepare to get the girl just as you are, if you are a nerdy female, prepare for an extreme make-over

The nerdy guy, after proving his dependability throughout the adventure, eventually steals the heroines heart. The nerdy girl has to have a hair-cut, her eyebrows plucked, her wardrobe reinvented and about half a ton of make-up smooshed onto her face, just to make sure that the hero sees her personality.

So, I guess life would be better if you lived in a movie, but everything would be so predictable that you'd have to ask yourself - would you want it like that?

This picture has nothing to do with the post

In Hindsight...

I was up early this morning, which is unusual for me as I'm not a morning person at all. However, lying in bed, being a considerate member of the family and waiting till a relatively acceptable time to be up and about the house, I got to thinking about how, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn what time I woke up. I just did. Of course, it was normally at six in the morning to watch cartoons.


Next I got to thinking about how much I don't like cartoons anymore (having a six-year-old brother who loves them doesn't help), which got me thinking about what else I used to enjoy on TV. Well, when you're seven years old, your TV viewing isn't that extensive. However, then I remembered that I used to love - and I mean LOVE (with all the emphasis textual editing can place on it) - watching infomercials.


If you somehow managed to beat the TV and wake up before the cartoons started, you would have to wait and sit through grown-ups telling you about stuff that only grown-ups can use (which in hindsight makes no sense as there are no grown-ups awake that early if they can help it). You'd think that that would be boring, right? You would be wrong. I can't describe how amazing, in my young and innocent seven-year-old mind, those products were. The way the grown-ups talked about things like mops and pots had me convinced that just having those things would be the answer to all life's problems. That those would be the things that would complete my life, even if I couldn't use them. 


However, things change as you grow up.


I voluntarily sat through an infomercial for an egg-cracker a few weeks ago as I was feeling slightly nostalgic. I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous it was. Any intelligent adult watching it would know what I mean.  The product was a cool enough idea and if I had seen it in a shop, I might have considered buying it, but quite frankly, it insults non-users. You have to see it to understand:

I can understand a person maybe messing a little egg on the counter - but the whole thing?? Not only that, but they accuse you of doing that frequently enough to need one of their 'miracle' products. How stupid are they trying to make you out to be?


I watched the rest of it - you know, where they go into how amazing it is and how it can radically transform your life into a radiating cornucopia of happiness and endless rainbows - and I literally could not stop laughing. I can't remember the names of the presenters, but let's say that they were 'Bob' and 'Jill'. I apologise to all the Bobs and Jills out there. The reason I was laughing, really, was the way that they speak to each other. It's like they're scared their co-presenter might spontaneously forget their name. An example:


Bob: Wow, Jill! Does it really do all those things?


Jill: Yes, Bob. And if you order now you can also get a FREE EGG-BEATER!


Bob: Did you say a "FREE EGG-BEATER", Jill?


Jill: Why yes, I did say a "FREE EGG-BEATER", Bob! Absolutely free! You don't even have to pay for it, Bob!


Bob: Wow! Thank you, Jill. I'm calling in right now to get my EZ-Cracker and a FREE EGG-BEATER!


Have I made my point? Here is a relatively good product ruined by crazy American people that I've never heard of.


However, I should also point out that I was watching this with my six-year-old brother. As soon as they had flashed the order number for the last time, he turned to me and said, "Catherine, we must buy that for Mommy!" I laughed and cringed, but inside I knew that at his age, I was exactly the same.


I guess you can sell anything to kids. They haven't yet grown into their cynicism. I'm kind of glad I did. I would be a lot poorer today if I bought everything the TV tried to sell me.


That is all.

Argh, don't you just want to punch these people?