The real South Africa

Ok, so I’m South African and (gasp, shock and horror) I am using the Internet.

There are many misconceptions about my country and what most people don’t know is that South Africa is one of the best places to live on Earth. Sure, we have to pack fresh mud on our houses everyday to stop them cracking under the heat of the sun, but that’s just the price you have to pay for living somewhere so awesome.

What I have compiled below is an explanation for all foreigners to set the record straight. By answering some frequently asked questions (all of which have actually been asked to me), I hope to enlighten all those who don’t know what a great place this is.

Cath’s FAQs on South Africa:

Question 1:
“How did you get a computer in Africa?”

• It was a very lucky day. After dodging a dozen drunk guys on elephants and humanely sedating a couple of lions, we were able to get to the computer store and pay fifty bucks (kudus, I think they were) to the nice lady working there. I thought it was quite a bargain. The computer freezes a lot, so we normally use it outside.

Question 2:
“Do you guys have Internet there?”

• Of course. We’ve actually gone wireless, so that we don’t have to go outside. Lions are not friendly, I don’t care what Disney tells you.

Question 3:
“Do you guys have dinosaurs there?”

• I think you may have us confused with the Flintstones. You see, it’s generally believed that dinosaurs became extinct about 230 million years ago. Sorry.

Question 4:
“Do you kill buck for food?”

• Only off-season, when tourists are scarce.

Question 5:
“Do you have tigers in your backyard?”

• Only when we holiday in India.

Question 6:
“Do you live in huts?”

• We prefer the term “biodegradable dwelling”.

Question 7:
“Why aren’t you black?”

• Bloody agents.

Question 8:
“So how long did it take you to how to speak English?”

• How long did it take you to learn how not to speak English?

Question 9:
“Do you guys really wear animal skins?”

• I thought jungle prints were in this season.

Question 10:
“So these Zebra crossings that I hear about...”

• Yes. Yes, they are for Zebras. Anything else that tries to cross at a Zebra crossing is shot and eaten.

This country is great. I hope that this shed some light on what it really means to be a South African.

See you next summer!

Just check the view from my house!

Update: I'm still receiving some wonderful theories on what South Africa is like from those overseas. I love it.